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Sunday, August 24, 2008

How to increase blog hits.


(written by a guest blogger)
This is a post dedicated to all of you bloggers who have a lame blog. To all you people, who get 5 hits a month. (Which really isn’t 5 other people, it’s actually only your mom, occasionally checking up to make sure you didn’t write anything that might poison the family.) So I am going to try to expound off of all my great and wonderful mighty knowledge, to give you a couple helpful things to do to your blog, so you will then in turn also have thousands of daily readers (as I myself do).

1. Photos
If you happen to be as handsome as I am, you should put up your own photograph on the Blog. I suggest you take the picture from the best angle possible….... Not from where your huge nose, sharpie eyebrows, makeup that has been sprayed on with a can of lacquar...... However, if you cannot possibly take a photo from an angle that makes you look..You could purse your lips in hopes to destract from your not-so-hot apperance and make a horrible attempt and being suductive. OR take a pic of your child doing something really stupid.... People thrive off of photos on blogs. It makes you that much more stalk-able.


2. Comment on Other Sites
I would say go ahead, and comment all you can, on every blog you can. It really doesn’t matter if you know the person or not. It actually helps if you don’t because then they are that much more curious as to who this random “DoGlUvEr” user is that keeps leaving comments on their post dedicated to all their BFF’s! However, initially that trick of leaving posts everywhere did not work for me…and nobody came to my Blog..... So the more I thought about it, the more I understood a surefire method to boost traffic… Just start leaving messages like “You are a sucker!”, “Hey…dirt bag…care to chase me?”, “Idiot…how about being decent in your posts?”. As you can only imagine….now many come and visit my blog.


3. Post about your Child......
This one really hits the spot. The average mom out there knows her kid on a daily basis acts like a hell fired little demon. So moms looks to other moms to reassure them their child is not out of the norm.... “Is it normal for my kid to lay on the floor, in colvulsions, and scream how their sandwich didn't have enough grape jelly...... Or hyperventilate about how they wanted to wear the blue pair of underwear. Or maybe even threaten not to breathe if you don’t give them their soda.” I can guarantee you, moms LOVE to hear how horrible your kid is. About their latest green crayon filled BM. Or the weirdest thing your kid has tried to eat.... It brings them a wonderful and calming sense of normality. That JUST MAYBE their kid is not so weird... because there is someone out there just a little weirder.



4. Make your site look orange
Change your website’s look and feel to Orange…It's the color of life. Now you know why when it is sunrise…the sky is orange. It is the only color that comes from a fruit…Orange. There is no fruit called red, yellow, green, purple, or black…so naturally… none of these colors come from a fruit. Once you make your site orange, all those people who are in the pink of their health will come to your site......


5. Coupons
If there is one thing that will attract hits, it is posts about coupons. People who do coupons, DO coupons. It becomes their life. They spend every moment online trying to find the latest and best deal. Whether it be a printable coupon, a location to go get the coupon from, something on sale, a promotion for a free product, or even a free sample. For instance, a diaper sample.... How is that seriously going to help me any. It’s ONE DIAPER. No, they do not send you a whole box. Nor do they send you even 4-6. They send you ONE. It will last you maybe 2 hours depending on how much your child has drank. You still have to go and buy a box. So then, they search furiously search everywhere online, on blogs, websites, advertisements, etc… for a coupon for the diapers.

6. Stories of your Courtship or Betrothal
If you can’t think of anything interesting to post of, you can always post the story of you and your husband’s “courtship”. Everyone thrives off of these stories. Some for much different reasons then others. There are those people who believe just like you and think that is the most touching, romantic, blessed story they have ever laid their bulging eyes upon. They love hearing not how you fell in love with your man, but how you observed him at what moment you KNEW he would make a wonderful husband…. Then there are those people reading your story, and laughing. Wondering how you can say that you hated the guy, did NOT want to marry him, and then all the sudden decided he would make a good husband because he loves God. Don’t get me wrong, loving God is important…very very important…….. but that is not all there is to a marriage and relationship. There are also the people reading the story and empathizing with you. They realize that your parents are crazy, and insist that if you were left alone for 5 minutes in the hallway, you might just break it all down and give it up right there. Therefore post your story…. And if it’s not really that great of a story, then edit it a little, throw in how you never held hands till marriage…. So everyone can pause for a second and wonder how awkward your wedding night was.

7. The Do-Nots of Blogging
Here is a tip on what NOT to do. Whatever is going on in your life, however boring or interesting it may be… do NOT post your daily schedule. No one really cares to hear you recite off every move you made during the day. “I got up this morning at 9:43. I walked to the bathroom and proceeded to pee for ten minutes. After that, I took longer than anyone can every imagine getting ready, trying to make myself as beautiful as possible. I got in the car, started it, and backed out my driveway. On my way to the supermarket to get Eggs, Milk, Frozen Pizza, Bread, Ketchup, Hotdogs… I realized that I had forgotten to eat. So I decided to stop at the first fast food I came to, which happened to be a McDonald’s. I ate 5 chicken nuggets, 34 French fries, and 7/16th of my shake…………” Ok. do you get the point. It is PAINFUL. It is a instant way to either 1. Get a butt load of stalkers, or 2. Have people say “wow this lady is psycho.” And exit your page………………

I hope no one takes offense to my post…. But hey, you made a hit on page and that is really all I care about…. So I thank you all.




2 comments:

Mrs. Nichole Jordan said...

haha


but most of your hits come from my site! LOLZ hahahaha

now post more about your kid! I will read it! LOL

HolyMama! said...

HA!!!

I admit I'm a sucker for those romantic how we met type posts (your #6).

Extra way to get people to your site: write posts as funny and well written as this one!